Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Random, bizarre and twisted emails to the wrong person

While this title might refer to the whereabouts of a certain email I thought I was sending to my parents regarding the rental situation of my house, but most likely got sent to the renters through a fault that can only be my own, [clearly I can no longer listen to music, think about the damn US taxes and compose emails at once anymore, which means I am quickly approaching middle age...] it actually refers to a random, bizarre and twisted email I received from a complete stranger. The email is as follows, and is titled, "my last rant," [in lower case]:

jennifer...i'm crazy about you. thats the truth. just
have this gut feeling that it will always be one
sided.
the last thing i want to do is have you think of me
as some pushy, needy dork.
just kinda feel like i'm making a fool of myself.
none of this is normal for me. i'm normally the kind
of guy who would just play around and make you laugh.
but not have romantic feelings.
the more i type; the more i can't believe what i'm
saying. but it's all true. i know it in my heart. i
like you sooo much that i think i better just leave
you alone so you can meet a guy that you're more
accustom to...i know i'm probably not your type. i'm a
new york city guy...not a good ol boy. i am sure you
like guys who hunt and fish and go muddin in their
pickup...i'll never be that guy..not even close. i'm
into art,music,cooking ect.
you are so beautiful. great personality. nice
body...nice everything. and i can listen to your voice
forever. you'll have no problem finding someone better
than me. just keep your eyes open and don't be afraid
to open up a bit and say how you feel.
i hope that you find somone great. and that you and
adria are always happy. you deserve it!
thanks for three great days!
much love,
-pete

It would seem that I am not the only one out there in the email universe that is having trouble sending emails to the correct person. I don't know anyone named Pete, and I'm actually having trouble remembering a time when I did know someone by that name... Have I ever? I seem to remember someone from elementary school, but maybe he wasn't a Pete after all... Maybe he was a Chris...

After my initial, "Who the fuck is this?!" reaction, I read it again. On the second read, I started wondering about the intelligence [and age] of my doppelganger. I began to wonder if any girl in her right mind would choose a "good ol boy" as her type. And what self respecting woman over the age of 15 would fall for this kind of transparent bullshit? It's the old, "I'm going to make a gross stereotype of your 'type' and then follow it up with a nice, perky characterization of myself and wait for you to come running to me," routine. I suppose this sort of thing is understandable, maybe even forgivable, for those still in high school, but come on, Pete! Check your email address before sending this kind of hooey! [And regarding the above mentioned mix up with my own emails, I'll start taking my own advice, too.]

As far as a reply goes, I think ol' Pete should sweat it out... Hopefully he'll come to the conclusion that "jennifer" was so moved by his, "last rant," that she went out and bought her own gun, her own fishing pole and her own truck and decided to give a fuck off to all the men she knows! Hurrah!

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